I took an acid trip and had a revelation. In the throes of LSD I spoke with Jesus. He told me to quit hating myself and to accept salvation. He explained that all sin is forgiven as long as I repent. "You feel bad because you sin, but I forgive you child," he said in no uncertain terms.
"Even when I sin again?"
"Even that sin is already forgiven, you need but ask."
When the LSD trip faded and the acid hangover kicked in I was left rejuvenated. I'd spoken to God, and he'd answered. Jesus himself had forgiven me.
I got clean. I gave up all drugs save nicotine and caffeine. I tried to shed the nicotine but that addiction is strong. I don't know that I thought of caffeine as a drug at the time. I got mostly clean and dove back into the Bible. I attended a Bible study at a small local church as a total stranger. I kept to myself and read and read and read.
My faith was renewed. I believed in Jesus Christ, I believed in God. I was a sinner but I was forgiven.
I was forgiven.
I don't know why modern Christianity shuns psychedelics. I'm not sure why they haven't pushed for them to be legalized and mixed into traditional worship. I genuinely felt I'd spoken with Jesus directly. I felt his love wash over me and cleanse me. I felt a connection to God like I had never before.
I was forgiven.
I could start life anew. The phrase 'Born Again' suddenly felt real in a way it had never before. I was a new person. Broken, scarred, wounded, yes. But healing. And forgiven.
I had talked with Jesus and I was forgiven. I felt more elated than I'd ever felt on any drug. A high like I'd never known.
It lasted a few months.
Before the doubt came back. Before the darkness crept in on the edges. Before the questions started up again.
Before a terrible thing happened to a friend of mine and I wanted to know 'why'.
And then I had the ultimate doubt and committed a heresy.