In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.
— Helen Rowland
At each Altar Call I would find myself moving forward. I would find myself with tears in my eyes as I pledged myself again to Jesus Christ. As I repented again and again. Each time they called for those who would like to become Christian and accept Jesus into their hearts I would join, I would join or walk down alone. I pledged myself so many times.
I felt the pull of that altar like physical gravity. A tug in my spirit that guided me down the pews to the altar. The words of the speaker would be drowned out by the cries in my heart. Begging Jesus to save me, to enter my soul and cleanse me of my sin. Pleading that his blood would wash me clean of the corruption and evil I felt inside.
I had been baptized, a public display of my faith. I still remember the warm water and the clingy robe that stuck when wet. It wasn't enough. I needed to be seen as a sinner again and again. A sinner in need of salvation before all in that church. Before my pastors and peers. I needed to be ashamed. The tears weren't for me, they were because of me.
Even communion was a time of great guilt for me. The body and blood of Christ necessary because of my sinful nature. Murdered and bled out due to my crimes against human and God alike.
Each time I ate the bread and wine, fruit juice at our church, each time I walked those pews and stood before the altar, each time I pledged myself anew I would feel clean. For a time. Until my sin piled up within again. Until I caught myself in a lie, a slur, a spiteful thought. They weighed so heavy, those sins. No matter how slight, how small, they were a heavy dirty burden I could not pray away.
I needed the public shame and humiliation to feel Jesus's gift. I needed to be seen as a sinner before all, condemned for my crimes, to feel the soft touch of salvation on my soul.
I was reserved, quiet, and shy. In annoucing I was a sinner I spoke clearly with never a word. I showed my sin each time in that walk, that kneel before the open bible upon altar. Center and front I declared myself unclean and needing salvation.
It was only right, the one time I felt justified before God was in humiliation before all. Begging for the blood of the Lamb to wash away my sins.